Does it still count as denial if I am aware of it that things are terrible, but still try my best to overlook them. Care for things and break down when the surge is at par, but still try to cover up for it by filling my head with random trivias, so as to not let these feelings resurface at other times.
I have so much content running in my head all at once, that I often feel it's just gonna explode. And if not, it might as well give me an exquisite neurodegenerative disorder for having exhausted all the neuronal fuel too soon to keep my machinery functional for a reasonably long period.
Does expressing my denials (or more technically, suppressions) via this post make it even more complicated, as to what this really is that's piling up inside me? And what is this leading me into? Because had I succeeded in suppressing these thoughts, it wouldn't have lead to this post! It is all so super confusing!!
I have so much content running in my head all at once, that I often feel it's just gonna explode. And if not, it might as well give me an exquisite neurodegenerative disorder for having exhausted all the neuronal fuel too soon to keep my machinery functional for a reasonably long period.
Does expressing my denials (or more technically, suppressions) via this post make it even more complicated, as to what this really is that's piling up inside me? And what is this leading me into? Because had I succeeded in suppressing these thoughts, it wouldn't have lead to this post! It is all so super confusing!!
I mean there is just more than enough chaos around for one to handle. It starts from your own personal life crises, goes on to your family's, then comes the professional and academic frustrations, then the over-crowded & hard-to-breathe-in city, the intolerable media debates, the fucked up world peace, the dying Earth, the poor beggars on the metro stations, the sick in the hospital beds, the illiterate child labors, the manner-less, the hurtful, the deceitful, the pick-pocketer, and what not you come across!! Why does everything bother so much? Why does it all take so much of data in my little RAM and why isn't it possible to clear off the cache in reality?
I know everybody has an opinion for all of it. They talk over current affairs, bitch about others lives and actions and pass their naive judgements. I detest it, and at the same time get awfully hurt by it, if somebody judges me; as the saying goes, 'you have never walked in my shoes, you have no idea how it feels like to be me!' Atleast I personally try to rationalize the scenarios in my head, by making sure I do not confuse between being opinionated and being judgmental. And that makes me better at knowing all the facts, about two sides of the same story and certainly gives me a wider perspective of the reality. What happens rarely so, is the realization of 'it is none of my business!' So even though I am not responsible for the horrendous state of affairs and there is certainly nothing I can do about it, I just cannot keep my mind off those happenings so that I could have some peace of mind. Why is it so bloody difficult?
I am literally trying to reach out to some sort of spiritual means like meditation centers or chapel visits, but even that seems far fetched since I'm scared I'll find some more people around there who's lives might start affecting my psyche.
I am not obsessed in any way, I can let go off things, only to find something else as a filler. My life is turning into a havoc with all sides raising tall walls, trapping me into the darkest of holes of pessimism. I am clearly unable to carry on with the mask of being a simple, organized little girl anymore, especially with this sort of turmoil in my head. I am not able to see hope in anything now. I need a tiny weeny reason of joy.. A minute little something maybe, just so that I can restore my faith in hope for good things to happen. To believe that there's a scope for life to get better someday. For the circumstances to take the far left road of happiness. And to be able to accept that there can be two sides to my story as well, and the good part of life is one of them, which perhaps is yet to come. But certainly i just need it to be a reason enough to keep going, and not giving up on life!
I know everybody has an opinion for all of it. They talk over current affairs, bitch about others lives and actions and pass their naive judgements. I detest it, and at the same time get awfully hurt by it, if somebody judges me; as the saying goes, 'you have never walked in my shoes, you have no idea how it feels like to be me!' Atleast I personally try to rationalize the scenarios in my head, by making sure I do not confuse between being opinionated and being judgmental. And that makes me better at knowing all the facts, about two sides of the same story and certainly gives me a wider perspective of the reality. What happens rarely so, is the realization of 'it is none of my business!' So even though I am not responsible for the horrendous state of affairs and there is certainly nothing I can do about it, I just cannot keep my mind off those happenings so that I could have some peace of mind. Why is it so bloody difficult?
I am literally trying to reach out to some sort of spiritual means like meditation centers or chapel visits, but even that seems far fetched since I'm scared I'll find some more people around there who's lives might start affecting my psyche.
I am not obsessed in any way, I can let go off things, only to find something else as a filler. My life is turning into a havoc with all sides raising tall walls, trapping me into the darkest of holes of pessimism. I am clearly unable to carry on with the mask of being a simple, organized little girl anymore, especially with this sort of turmoil in my head. I am not able to see hope in anything now. I need a tiny weeny reason of joy.. A minute little something maybe, just so that I can restore my faith in hope for good things to happen. To believe that there's a scope for life to get better someday. For the circumstances to take the far left road of happiness. And to be able to accept that there can be two sides to my story as well, and the good part of life is one of them, which perhaps is yet to come. But certainly i just need it to be a reason enough to keep going, and not giving up on life!
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