The one thing that I never thought would change in me; that, which I thought was innately mine; that, which defined me, as to who I am.
I used to call myself a perfect Leo- and so did people agree! And I still am a perfect Leo (with some regression, maybe!). But from what used to be defining my character, a typical extrovert, that I used to be once upon a time, that I am no more..
What brings upon changes of such momentous extent in one's life cannot be comprehended and put into mere words. When I entered medical school 6 years back, I was a different ME. I was known to be that perky, chatty, affable girl. And I did not realise it until late that I was inadvertently curbing all these traits of mine to confine my life within a few people. But I now believe, that is how it is supposed to be, for one's good. As they say, 'It doesn't matter how many friends you have, just how many you can actually count on.' So, from being known to be a conversation-starter and easy-to-befriend person, I transformed to one of those shady, murky, and, difficult-to-know persons. And the reasons for this aren't really precise. Maybe it was the first head-on experience with the outside world by living away from home; meeting all sorts of people- diplomats, hypocrites, some genuinely naive, and, some truly blithe individuals; or maybe it was the likelihood of losing some old friends, whom I never wanted to outrun.
Nothing teaches you life more than living away from home does. Stepping out of our mightily cosseted environment, when we are bound to survive and take decisions all on our own, changes are inevitable. For better or for worse, my story involves me becoming an overtly ruminative reticent. With zillions of thoughts roving my mind, reckoning what not about the various permutations of life and the people I met, I could barely feel the need to be simpatico. I had been living with some of the best people that life could give me, enjoying their company more to my own. And what more could I need! While things were at peace, with college coming towards an end, and me finally getting ready to venture into a completely different phase of life, that, which I had dreamt of perpetually, Life had some other plans for me!
So, I reached USA, with all the hard work and blah blah.. I finally made it come true! Clearing Step 1 of USMLE, getting all the clerkships that I had wanted, getting the visa after final MBBS (Yeah, that certainly needs a mention!), having planned up all so well about the life that I was going to have.
But *OOPS* 'I might NOT like it there!' Why didn't I think of that? C'mon! I mean, Who does that? Planning a backup, thinking that you might not like that new place, which is 'The United States of America'! Sounds absurd right now though, not so in practice.
Because I am that rare, atypical person who ditched that top-notch new lease on life, because I did not like it there. And the reasons for this are quite precise. I have issues with the enervating cold temperatures that they have about half the year round. I am an Indian Vegetarian foodie and found it very difficult to find anything Veg. on the menus there, except for bland leafy salads. I might have been enjoying my own company for long, thinking I don't need a lot of people around, but in actuality, I am a people person! I needed my people around, to talk to and to hang around with. More so, I never had a sense of belonging to that place. It was always that I am an outsider, struggling to survive. Where comes the point of living my life to the fullest if I had a setback at survival? And even though the hospital was a dream to work in! The residency I might have gotten into, is still an achievable dream! There is nothing I missed more than my family. I needed mum and dad around me, and more so, they needed me back here at home. And it was horribly depressing to be all alone out there. Even though everybody told me that it is gonna take a while, to get adjusted there, and then I will make new friends, and start liking it so much that I would eventually settle down there. I did not want to settle down there in the first place. I did not want to start liking that place to such an extent that it made me stay in US forever. I had always planned of coming back to India after residency. But after living a month's life in US, I was certain of not wanting that life even for a few years. So, I made my choice, to come back to India, and not continue with US anymore. I did not quit or give up on my dream. I left it by choice, just as I chose it, even when I had no guidance on how to go about it. It still stands achievable for me, but I am just not interested in living that dream anymore. Because it ain't as beautiful in reality as it appeals to me in the dream!
And here I am now, without a determined backup plan. As I did not make any backup plans. I am back and I am happy to be back. And now I am scared of making any more plans, because Life doesn't go by our plans!
But going by the norm, what my peers go on doing, what is right and what is not, I am a-motivated to conform to any of that yet. And a little aimless, wandering, trying to figure out, between so many different non-medical streams that I could pursue now, I feel constantly being pushed to go by the norm. To do what everybody else like me is doing at this point, prepare for an absurd examination which doesn't interest me at all. I am stuck fighting with myself. Need some air to breathe in my purpose in life. What to do and What not to do, an ever disputable dilemma?!?
Waiting for a new dream to accomplish. Waiting for a new passion to work on.
Waiting for another Transition to take place.
