31st December 2016

I had no intentions of staying alone this new years Eve again. So despite it being a working day I managed to sneak out early from work to be able to make it to Jaipur, I still hope I reach there before it strikes 12! 😓

As usual indian roadways, railways, airways stand apart from their clients, in their inability to communicate. Reaching the purani dilli railway station was no less than a nightmare. With these add-on delays, the sprawling crowd at Rajiv chowk metro station was all ready to crush me in a stampede as the train arrived after a 15 minutes delay. When I finally made it to the chandni chowk station, the railway station platform was another good stretch of walk. Once at the platform, reaching the AC coach, which was at the other end of the platform was like a race, considering the display board said the train departs on time at 3:20 pm, and I had to run with my luggage in that crowded platform in some 7-8 minutes. Only to find that the doors of all AC coaches were locked. What seemed like an impatiently long hour, hoping the door would fly open in another 10 minutes every 2 minutes, as soon the cleaning is done, it was quite a giggly affair with the fellow passengers getting mad and stomping on the door, threatening the sweepers that they would complain against them, and looking at the audacity of the young sweeper to reply back- 'Kar do complain, abhi darwaza nahi khulega' was hilarious.

When my feet gave up on bearing the weight of my torso, I finally landed on top of my suitcase. A bit awkward that it was, I managed not to slip and fall, only to gather the attention of my mocking fellow co-travellers who were busy enjoying those aunties still cursing the railways and fearing that the train would leave without taking them on board.

The doors finally flung open to everyone's relief. I immediately settled in my chosen upper berth with all my bedding neatly done. A quick nap and then I was all geared up to get to some pending tasks all on my phone. Dozing a bit in between, chatting with people at other times, I couldn't pay much attention to this novel I had by my side. Too much distracted to focus, honestly.

All of a sudden I heard someone singing 'Humma Humma' close by. Ignoring it at my best, which is a basic survival instinct for we girls, I continued googling around on my phone. From what was singing, it turned to loud munching noises, only to follow the song playing loudly on that weird uncle's phone who lay on the berth right in front of me. I still found myself a little less distracted when the song stopped and his snoring began. It was a stink that now rose my nostrils. The uncle next to me had those smelly socks pointing towards my side. *Smells* I have an overly sensitive sense of smell (good to be compared to that of a sniffing dog). And fetid smells is something I can do nothing to stand.. So that made me leave my zone of still-some-comfort, to climb down my berth and sit with my neighbors in that compartment, a lil girl who kept referring to me as 'aunty', another uncle whose earphones spread all the sound outside his ears listening to all dhinchak songs, and another group of highly intelligent men discussing "Modi ji" ki new year's speech. And me, holding my head in my hands, trying to get away from the nausea, hunger, sleep! Just when I couldn't find a solution to it, I thought of penning it all down. And guess what, I just arrived, Jaipur it is..! 😊
Another hour maybe to get some food and see some familiar faces.. And then another hour to start 2017.. Sounds like a happy new year to me..
Happy New Year 2017!!

The Epilogue - Inferno

[Sienna’s hands were shaking as she continued. “In Bertrand’s letter to me, he sounded quite proud, saying he considered Inferno to be a very elegant and humane resolution of the problem.” Fresh tears formed in her eyes, and she wiped them away. “Compared to the virulence of the Black Death, I admit there is some compassion in this approach. There will be no hospitals overflowing with the sick and dying, no bodies rotting in the streets, and no anguished survivors enduring the death of loved ones. Humans will simply stop having so many babies. Our planet will experience a steady reduction in our birth rate until the population curve actually inverts, and our total numbers begin to decrease.” She paused. “The result will be far more potent than the plague, which only briefly curbed our numbers, creating a temporary dip in the graph of human expansion. With Inferno, Bertrand created a long-term solution, a permanent solution … a Transhumanist solution. He was a germ-line genetic engineer. He solved problems at the root level.”]- An excerpt from Inferno, Chapter 99.

The impact of what she had just read left her perturbed. She got up from her irksome position and kept the book aside inverted on the bedstand. She removed her glasses and gulped down water hastily. It was half past two at night and she had already protracted her bedtime to reach this very page. How she couldn't wait to know what exactly the virus did if it did not cause any immediate obvious effects. She had assured her mom that she would go to sleep as soon as the mystery gets disclosed. But had she known the aftermath of this revelation, she would have wanted to adjourn it right away.

Perplexed with what she had read, indisposition left her stark awake. She started pacing around her room with a ceaseless string of questions. 'What if Bertrand was right? If we are actually less than a second away from the extinction of human race!' She had a loop of ifs and buts playing in her head. And the contention was pretty obvious ,as a part of her completely agreed with him. From all that she came across everyday, she believed that the issues raised by Bertrand were befitting. The population expansion being witnessed by the world right now is at the brim of collapse. She had always given much thought to things going haywire around. The cities bustling with people. Clearly the human population is exploding. But then she started thinking about other species too; 'How is it that their numbers never rose to such alarming levels, so as to raise concern and become a threat?  Maybe nature has its own way to keep things in check', she talked to herself. 'Perhaps the same applies to human race as well, the course of nature might eventually lead to extinction of humans also! So should we really be worried about it?' Her mental turmoil nudged her to resort to Google. She searched for answers to get to the root of this population crisis. 'What really defines overpopulation? Are we already there yet?' But to her surprise, what she found was quite contradictory.

Long back, somebody had presented the idea of overpopulation and the world just stepped foot forth to rehash it. The concept of overpopulation is apparently scary, but has also been labelled as a myth. What really would be consequential is the availability and utilization of resources to be able to sustain the growing needs of this ever-growing population. In the early nineteenth century it was prophesied by Thomas Malthus, that soon the world would run short of food to cater to the entire population, and it would lead to famines and eventually doom. That certainly did not happen, and even though the prognostication continues, new dates for Doomsday(s) keep coming up, none of them have so far befallen upon us [Refer].

Certainly the environment is at stake. The natural harmony is hampered. Technology and medical advancements have helped us defy the laws of nature in several ways. Be it humans versus animals, rural versus urban, affluent versus impoverished, industries versus forests, the graphs are all skewed. We are creating havoc in our planet, which is making us question its sustainability for our own selves, let alone the following generations.
The population crisis might hold true in the years to come. But what we are actually facing is urban overcrowding, leading to consequential desolation of some areas and mass afflictions in the overpopulated befouled cosmopolitans.

'Yes, It is a matter of paramount concern for each one of us. But how can someone just decide to take such atrocious actions themselves to alter the natural course of events?' she intrigued. 'A mastermind that Bertrand was, to have looked through these dainty events, who gave him the leverage to wreck the lives of millions of innocent people worldwide?'  The search for solutions to innumerable plights of the present world breed prodigies like Bertrand, and our minds might also give in to his nasty yet solicitous ideas every so often. But his blatantly apathetic approach comes as a rude awakening. 

She convinced herself that, 'Maybe, It isn't too late to act even now. Perhaps we could all do our bit in an attempt to let the world live, and let us continue to habitate it.'  
Inaya (yes, I decided to name her so!), watched the fluttering curtains at her room's window and walked towards it. She stood still, gazing at the dark sky, feeling the breeze get past her, breathing quietly, benumbed, while she continued to ponder over and analyze the permutations of the idea behind Inferno. Her musings were then interrupted by the morning alarm!

Breaking News.. Blithe or Blues!

Ever since I can take my mind back to, there has always been a set routine for people of all sorts that I have been with. They all tend to have some crisp habits which are so dear to them. Reading newspaper! It is certainly one such common thing that I have seen people follow as a ritual early in the morning. From my grandpa to my pa, and from mum to badi-mom at home, it has been continuing with the hostel warden, to some professor or senior at work. And although I always kept telling all these people, 'Now that times have changed you don't really have to dedicate an hour or half on reading such dramatic headlines, instead you can just keep updated via notifications on your mobile's apps; I never knew I too would soon be duped into it. 

So during my postings to another hospital once every 3-4 months, I eventually developed the knack of reading newspaper. With full allegiance I used to spend almost an hour of my free time to all the sections of the paper, including sports, which perhaps could never float my boat! The most catchy angle of picking up the paper used to be the front page of the Times, which made me wonder how could they perpetually dedicate it to one word advertisements of some online-mega-sales, and the following page describing the offers on the commodities and their flashy price tags; while they should actually have used it for putting up the breaking news stories! And thus followed my quest for more, which had me penned.

So what really comprises of our daily dose of masala-news? Gang-rapes, murders, road accidents, dacoits and thefts, the collapsing life of the city due to stagnant road traffics (The epic Gurugram fail!), either excessive rains causing floods and damage to crops or droughts which are again detrimental to the fields (We are just not prepared to handle any adversity!), rising number of dengue and chikungunia cases this monsoon (Dirty Delhi keeps breaking its own records!), ISIS and their endless Vandalism (Any and every other country I can possibly think of!), never-ending Hindu-Muslim debates, the Holy-Cow upliftment issues and Beef ban riots, the beyond-my-tolerarance-level political jest ( Modi-Kejriwal face-off!), reservation or ruckus, the occasionally Quaking earth, the collapsing bridges, floods and sloppy landslides, from hunger strikes to surgical strikes, from Indus to Cauvery, retweeted tweets, animal abuse,domestic violence, dowry deaths, filing for divorce and its newer clauses, corruptions and scams, the un-controllable pollution and the exponentially rising population, the wannabes at Page 3, the box-office dhamaals, glimpses into the phony private lives of bollywood celebs, and sportsman shaming (Why Dope when you still have hope! :P) ( *Sorry about the last one, couldn't resist that rhyme*). 

Whatever the news be, does it really make a reasonable difference in our lives knowing about these happenings? Or is it really just spiced up gossip in a large scale to feed our brains? I mean what could possibly happen if people lead their own lives without being updated about the breaking news? For one, there are certainly going to be awkward voids while conversing with people around. News serves as such a great filler that you can talk to random people from different professions, whom you have nothing in common with, just by discussing some gooey topic that's trending lately. So that is going to be one major miss I believe without keeping up with news!

But what if you choose the less travelled road, and go on talking about speculations on life .. Theirs and yours.. The petty little things that you think about while you are at work, or while on the road, and just keep them to yourself because you have no-one to talk to then.. We often tend to forget those things that we have no-one to talk about! Perhaps that could make a difference. You never know! Instead of the gruesome  disturbing content of the news headlines, you could fill in your mind with some instigating thought that you gather from someone else's perspective on life. Wouldn't that be worthy enough to occupy all the cache in your system,

instead of all the spamming that is done by our breaking news!?

However, what about the prejudiced flip-side? There might be consequential downsides to it as well. How badly could your lack of awareness affect your ADL (activities of daily living)? Not being updated could put you into monetary setbacks, could make you miss important events taking place around the city, raise concerns on the safety of your beloveds far-far away, leave you unprepared for a stormy evening or a day of water-cut due to maintenance, cost you more on the sudden overnight fuel price hikes, leave you out in the cold, oblivious to the latest methods being used to hack and traffic young girls and children from the day-lights of your city's streets, or how the burglars can now hijack locked houses and cars without being caught in a rundown, and it eventually might leave you exposed raw and naive to the unrelenting cacophonous realities of the outside world. 

That reminds me of how being good doesn't give you good in return; still you don't want to give-up your kidness. 

How  looking face-off to the world with your puppy-eyes doesn't make you less eyed-upon; even then you mustn't lose that innocence. 

And how much you try to find the benevolence in the happenings of your life, you cannot escape the murkiness of your nightmares; yet you hope to dream again.

'Life is really not fair, deal with it!' - Anonymous 

Vs

'Try to learn to let what is unfair teach you!'- David Foster Wallace

Blithe or Blues! 

To be or not to be..

When you feel you have been doing well, planning it all perfectly, setting benchmarks in your life's milestones, for leading that dream come true life in the future, don't you realize that you have been postponing on so many other little things that life has to offer in the present?

To be or not to be.. The perpetual dilemma..

We come across both these sayings every now and then. One goes about, 'Live in the present, you don't know what the future holds for you'. And the other says, 'To achieve certain things in life you must compromise and let go off some other things.

How does one attain a balance between the two? 

How do you prioritise on what is best at a particular point of time. 

I believe everyone has their own ways of listening to their heart and mind and go about their lives just right.. Or maybe, if not right, with some regrets on missing out a bunch of things, but still learning to be happy with the remainder that they have.

I have certainly not been good at this equipoise in my life. I mean, I have turned out fine FYI! But now when I look back into my school and college days, I have perhaps been the latter of the two. The overall activities and agendas were always lingering, chained to another milestone, and that spun out. Onlooking the big picture of how I need to live the present to have the future that I want. Still, somehow with my fair share of joys throughout, I am not disappointed in the life that I had, nor do I have any regrets of not living to the fullest back then. As I said, I seem have to turned out just fine..

But living now, gosh! It is so darn difficult. I am undoubtedly a cynical critique when comes to LIFE. It (Life) certainly has it all in one's share, the happy and the sad, the good and the bad; but the timing does the trick! You can never really proceed with the stability that all's good, nor can you really survive being scared about the next moment all the time. There has to to a balance.
Even our human body works by the same dictum. Our organs require an appropriate number and type of cells to function normally. When there is an unchecked growth of certain cells in any area, it leads to what we all know as cancers. When the organs fail to regenerate their cells, we land up into degenerative disorders. And when our own body fails to recognize its cells as self, it starts forming antibodies against them, that is when autoimmune disorders occur. And there seems to be no known trigger for any these events most of the times. What eventually takes over is the belief that it was all supposed to happen. The suffering was doomed. 

Similar is the chaos brought about in our lives. One day, all might seem good and pleasant. You never know what might come next and tear you apart. Be it physically, mentally or emotionally. You accept it without much ado, that it was in the cards. The dynamics are all similar, it is the sequale that has its impacts. There might be medication for some treatable ailments; causing growth of new cells, or killing the harmful germs. But the bug that gets into your head.. The way it forms tangles in you mind's circuitry, that might not just get back to normal.. I want to add 'Ever' at the end of this last sentence, but it might just be such a long time, and I don't know if time  really can heal wounds.! Or is it time alone that not everyone has.. Even if you are dragged till the age of 69, who knows if it would be worthwhile enough to live all those  moments then which you side-tracked now!? Maybe, you get the time, but not 'your' complete self to live that time fully. 

With the clock of life ticking ahead at this pace, I don't have the patience to linger on for better times and days to come.! I am all for Now.. I certainly can't stop dreaming, but I cannot muster the guts to wait for them to come true in the future.. I am finding a hard time trying to attain the acme.. The Balance.! Knowing, wanting, and doing now; yet procrastinating, dreaming, hoping and wishing some more for the times to come..

I haven't really been a huge fan of Karma either. What goes around may not always come back around to the same person. Someone else might have to repent for someone else's karma. (That is what happens with the family members of patients diagnosed with irreparable conditions, it becomes all of them's Karma together!) And that is what makes me cynical. Because the future is so bloody scary, that it has already begotten upon us now, to ruin our present. Now the thread lies in our hands to turn things about. To either live in the present and be happy momentarily, or to work your ass off now, with no time or desire for the present, in view of that speculative life of the future. 

To be, in the present, or not to be! 

The shades of life..

Once upon a time, life used to be simpler, and going about at a cordial pace. Incidents, planned or impromptu, were always accountable to certain legit circumstances.  Everything seemed to have a reason; for good or for bad, it used to be acceptable. For all those things that were acceptable in the past, there used to be someone mature enough, who was accountable to. There were people you looked up to for answers to such questions which life posed ominously. And naively, with all the innocence that could exist, you used to accept those answers with assuring belief. Those people were your philosophers. Their viewpoints shaped your ideology. And they could never disappoint you in their ways. For me, it was my parents; and they still are, but certain things have changed now.

In the years that fly by (seems like a fortnight to me!), and with life seemingly getting out of your hands, with nobody accountable to the series of events happening in your life, when your begetters are themselves riveted by the circumstances, we are expected to switch roles with them. They need the light that they had been guiding us with all these years. We now become their pillars that they had raised us to be. But what I doubt is, do we really become that capable when the time comes?

To see your own support system crashing, the kind of helplessness one faces cannot be expressed (atleast I cannot!). Someone whom you had always relied upon, suddenly not being there in that place, is the hardest blow to one’s existence. You can never be prepared for it, unless it becomes this slow gradual process where you are bound to go through all the stages of grief: i.e. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. By the time you reach the final two stages, you are most likely to be prepared to switch roles. To smile when a situation demands so, to be tough and make decisions without always choosing the happy one, to stop questioning the occurrence of events, and perhaps to be someone else’s support system.

I feel the need to clarify this here that I have been writing this post because I see so many cancer patients everyday, and talking to them I see those patients and their families bring out all of their anguishes and apprehensions towards life. I can never know what it feels like to be in their individual situation, but I certainly can empathize with them, since I have my own share of personal setbacks. I just had an elderly patient today with stage IV pancreatic cancer, diagnosed after an entirely healthy life of no addictions, still in the phase of anger, and questioning me as to why did such a horrendous disease take over him despite of him being such a decent man all his life. I obviously stood there speechless listening to him, realizing it all perfectly that there is no answer to any of his queries. And finally he told me to fear that one supreme power that lies above us all, because nobody perhaps can understand his ways.  And then there are so many other patients who have been in remission for quite a while, distraught with a relapse of their disease. All in this perpetual cycle of hospitals and therapies, being hopeful on the outside, and daunted on the inside. The children taking care of their elderly parents, and the young parents bringing in their sick toddlers. Each of them being a support system for the other. And we merely as pawns, finding out that it is all a part of the inevitable circle of life. It might be every individual’s separate story, but it is certainly every house’s. For some it happens too early, and for some quite late, but the times change, and the roles do too. And there is nothing you can do about it, except for reaching the 5^th stage, which is of Acceptance. And there is no way to fast forward to it. It is going to take, what would seem like, all the time in the world.

But it shall pass too; the scars may remain, but I am hoping for times to change again..

Denial to Acceptance..

Does it still count as denial if I am aware of it that things are terrible, but still try my best to overlook them. Care for things and break down when the surge is at par, but still try to cover up for it by filling my head with random trivias, so as to not let these feelings resurface at other times.
I have so much content running in my head all at once, that I often feel it's just gonna explode. And if not, it might as well give me an exquisite neurodegenerative disorder for having exhausted all the neuronal fuel too soon to keep my machinery functional for a reasonably long period.
Does expressing my denials (or more technically, suppressions) via this post make it even more complicated, as to what this really is that's piling up inside me? And what is this leading me into? Because had I succeeded in suppressing these thoughts, it wouldn't have lead to this post! It is all so super confusing!!

I mean there is just more than enough chaos around for one to handle. It starts from your own personal life crises, goes on to your family's, then comes the professional and academic frustrations, then the over-crowded & hard-to-breathe-in city, the intolerable media debates, the fucked up world peace,  the dying Earth, the poor beggars on the metro stations, the sick in the hospital beds, the illiterate child labors, the manner-less, the hurtful, the deceitful, the pick-pocketer, and what not you come across!! Why does everything  bother so much? Why does it all take so much of data in my little RAM and why isn't it possible to clear off the cache in reality?
I know everybody has an opinion for all of it. They talk over current affairs, bitch about others lives and actions and pass their naive judgements. I detest it, and at the same time get awfully hurt by it, if somebody judges me; as the saying goes, 'you have never walked in my shoes, you have no idea how it feels like to be me!' Atleast I personally try to rationalize the scenarios in my head, by making sure I do not confuse between being opinionated and being judgmental. And that makes me better at knowing all the facts, about two sides of the same story and certainly gives me a wider perspective of the reality. What happens rarely so, is the realization of 'it is none of my business!' So even though I am not responsible for the horrendous state of affairs and there is certainly nothing I can do about it, I just cannot keep my mind off those happenings so that I could have some peace of mind. Why is it so bloody difficult?
I am literally trying to reach out to some sort of spiritual means like meditation centers or chapel visits, but even that seems far fetched since I'm scared I'll find some more people around there who's lives might start affecting my psyche.
I am not obsessed in any way, I can let go off things, only to find something else as a filler. My life is turning into a havoc with all sides raising tall walls, trapping me into the darkest of holes of pessimism. I am clearly unable to carry on with the mask of being a  simple, organized little girl anymore, especially with this sort of turmoil in my head. I am not able to see hope in anything now. I need a tiny weeny reason of joy.. A minute little something maybe, just so that I can restore my faith in hope for good things to happen. To believe that there's a scope for life to get better someday. For the circumstances to take the far left road of happiness. And to be able to accept that there can be two sides to my story as well,  and the good part of life is one of them, which perhaps is yet to come. But certainly i just need it to be a reason enough to keep going, and not giving up on life!

A New Girl in the City- Going with the flow, or trying to stand apart!

Coming from a small town, life swirls you right from the bottom of your feet on coming to a metro city. 

Delhi it is for me. 

And even though I have been here countless times in the past, moving here cannot be compared to any of those previous leisure trips. Be it finding a not so great abode for myself, or the daily commuting; be it the struggle for the everyday meals, or the terminal exhaustion to just go to bed without much ado, all of it seems like a trap to an endless maze. I do explore some new paths and add those chapters to my life everyday, but by the end of a week I am back to the perpetually same tracks. Still fighting the urge to ask myself the same question, if this really was my purpose in life? 

There is this thing with dreams, that they make it really difficult to accept the reality! And more so,  when the reality never at all occurred to you in those dreams.

I mean, I have got tired of explaining this to people I come across, that I am in a specialty that I chose for myself. (Nuclear Medicine, a branch which is not so popular among my fellow medicos, let alone the commoners. Please Google for further details on my role as a Doctor here.) And I'm happy to have chosen it over the many other branches which the crowd follows uncritically. I did my research, and weighed all its pros and cons before I decided to get into it. I needed to be in such a branch to be able to live my life my way. Just that the whole idea of what exactly 'my way' is, what I have dreamt of through these years, keeps changing as we grow. And to be honest, I am with the clan here, hating to grow up! But still making a choice and accepting the present, which perhaps is not straight out of my dreamland, but it is clearly the right plan now.

How I miss those times when things were as simple as attending lectures, studying for the next exams, and enjoying with friends and family. According to me, that is the realm in which one has the guts to have ambitions, and dreams, and to believe. To Believe that you are capable of achieving it all, and any kind of restrain in your path seems insignificant then. This is how I had imagined and planned things for myself all these years, because I had always been brought up in this coddled dome of optimism and love made by my family. Believing I can do the extraordinary, and somehow achieving those little milestones in the long run, made me an exemplar for them. But now, the reality of this cosmic city makes me feel no more than ordinary! Having seen life at its crudest, I now have the wishes of any other common man, that is to have a job, a degree, a family, some peace, and eventually happiness. Nothing more really matters! I'm grateful to have met the most of it at this point in my life.  And I'm fervently looking forward to reach out for the remainders.

But the ugly truth is that the ideal world that we tend to seek, the one with a perfect balance amongst work and family, success and failure, joy and sorrow, can never exist in reality. Because there is always going to be some part in excess of the other. And this would cause colossal shifts in our psyche, altering the definition of our dreams and desires, eventually scarring our lives to impact all our future goals. 

(I recently read this somewhere and got really inspired, quoting Mrs. Georget- Scars mean survival, it means that we showed up for the fight rather than running away from it.) 

It makes me realize how it is all a part of growing up. That we are supposed to develop into these indifferent beings, rather than what we used to think of ourselves in our carefree tender days. It certainly makes our emotions stronger but sadly our psyche weaker. We learn to value relations more than the merits of our career and we tend to prioritize discordantly to our own foregone whims. Atleast that is how it has occurred to me, and it seems perfectly legit now. The ways of life are not predicable.  And so should we be taught to go about life. That come what may, I shall adhere to these few agendas of living my life this new way- 

Seeking not only academic merits, but also joys of little happenings;  being prepared for worse, while trying not to be doomed in pessimism;  being hopeful of more, yet cherishing the little that I may have; 
 and finally, wishing not for the exceptional, but for the amicable.

Metamorphosis (Transition)

The one thing that I never thought would change in me; that, which I thought was innately mine; that, which defined me, as to who I am. 

I used to call myself a perfect Leo- and so did people agree! And I still am a perfect Leo (with some regression, maybe!). But from what used to be defining my character, a typical extrovert, that I used to be once upon a time, that I am no more..

What brings upon changes of such momentous extent in one's life cannot be comprehended and put into mere words. When I entered medical school 6 years back, I was a different ME. I was known to be that perky, chatty, affable girl. And I did not realise it until late that I was inadvertently curbing all these traits of mine to confine my life within a few people. But I now believe, that is how it is supposed to be, for one's good. As they say, 'It doesn't matter how many friends you have, just how many you can actually count on.' So, from being known to be a conversation-starter and easy-to-befriend person, I transformed to one of those shady, murky, and, difficult-to-know persons. And the reasons for this aren't really precise. Maybe it was the first head-on experience with the outside world by living away from home; meeting all sorts of people- diplomats, hypocrites, some genuinely naive, and, some truly blithe individuals; or maybe it was the likelihood of losing some old friends, whom I never wanted to outrun.

Nothing teaches you life more than living away from home does. Stepping out of our mightily cosseted environment, when we are bound to survive and take decisions all on our own, changes are inevitable. For better or for worse, my story involves me becoming an overtly ruminative reticent. With zillions of thoughts roving my mind, reckoning what not about the various permutations of life and the people I met, I could barely feel the need to be simpatico. I had been living with some of the best people that life could give me, enjoying their company more to my own. And what more could I need! While things were at peace, with college coming towards an end, and me finally getting ready to venture into a completely different phase of life, that, which I had dreamt of perpetually, Life had some other plans for me!

So, I reached USA, with all the hard work and blah blah.. I finally made it come true! Clearing Step 1 of USMLE, getting all the clerkships that I had wanted, getting the visa after final MBBS (Yeah, that  certainly needs a mention!), having planned up all so well about the life that I was going to have.  

But *OOPS* 'I might NOT like it there!' Why didn't I think of that? C'mon! I mean, Who does that? Planning a backup, thinking that you might not like that new place, which is 'The United States of America'! Sounds absurd right now though, not so in practice. 

Because I am that rare, atypical person who ditched that top-notch new lease on life, because I did not like it there. And the reasons for this are quite precise. I have issues with the enervating cold temperatures that they have about half the year round. I am an Indian Vegetarian foodie and found it very difficult to find anything Veg. on the menus there, except for bland leafy salads. I might have been enjoying my own company for long, thinking I don't need a lot of people around, but in actuality, I am a people person! I needed my people around, to talk to and to hang around with. More so, I never had a sense of belonging to that place. It was always that I am an outsider, struggling to survive. Where comes the point of living my life to the fullest if I had a setback at survival? And even though the hospital was a dream to work in! The residency I might have gotten into, is still an achievable dream! There is nothing I missed more than my family. I needed mum and dad around me, and more so, they needed me back here at home. And it was horribly depressing to be all alone out there. Even though everybody told me that it is gonna take a while, to get adjusted there, and then I will make new friends, and start liking it so much that I would eventually settle down there. I did not want to settle down there in the first place. I did not want to start liking that place to such an extent that it made me stay in US forever. I had always planned of coming back to India after residency. But after living a month's life in US, I was certain of not wanting that life even for a few years. So, I made my choice, to come back to India, and not continue with US anymore. I did not quit or give up on my dream. I left it by choice, just as I chose it, even when I had no guidance on how to go about it. It still stands achievable for me, but I am just not interested in living that dream anymore. Because it ain't as beautiful in reality as it appeals to me in the dream!

And here I am now, without a determined backup plan. As I did not make any backup plans. I am back and I am happy to be back. And now I am scared of making any more plans, because Life doesn't go by our plans!

But going by the norm, what my peers go on doing, what is right and what is not, I am a-motivated to conform to any of that yet. And a little aimless, wandering, trying to figure out, between so many  different non-medical streams that I could pursue now, I feel constantly being pushed to go by the norm. To do what everybody else like me is doing at this point, prepare for an absurd examination which doesn't interest me at all. I am stuck fighting with myself. Need some air to breathe in my purpose in life.  What to do and What not to do, an ever disputable dilemma?!? 

Waiting for a new dream to accomplish. Waiting for a new passion to work on. 

Waiting for another Transition to take place. 

Retired Blogger..!

It's freaking 6.30 in the morning.. >(

It's been ages since I have woken up this early (on a non-college day!).. But whenever I have, it's always been for something ultra-crucial..
Unlike this day; which, in the history, holds nothing as pertinent that would require my arousal at a time this odd.. (No offense to Mr. John Glenn who returned to space this day back in 1998. But I don't find a spaceship waiting for me anywhere around, then why am I up paying a tribute to him? :/)

But then, I haven't really woken up this early even today.. I haven't actually slept the whole yester-night..! O_O Yes.. My eyes wide open as this.. Owl's eyes..!
Searching for a sacred path, on this dawn, me, a long-lost blogger, retired to blogging when I realized I just cannot do anything else.. :(

An hour and a half ago, I went to bed feeling all gratified about having studied a chapter and yet feeling so crisp, making plans on how worthwhile I would make this next day when I wake up, and here I am, writing this not so worthy post for my ancient blog; instead of going for a walk, or enjoying the balmy weather from the terrace kinda stuff, which I would want to do when I cannot wake up in the mornings! All so in my Utopian world..! :)

I know every-time that I write a post, I dart stacks of assurances that I'm gonna continue writing then on etc.. And each time I fade away without any news.. (I wonder if anyone even takes notice of it! :/)

And then I think about my lost blog (mostly when I cannot fall asleep).. Hatching up word-by-word what I'd write next, all in my mind.. Wondering if all this could directly get posted in the blog (all from my mind!), without me actually having to slog through the keyboard and trying to make it look appealing (only to my eyes!).. Fancying if my fellow web-developer friends would ever design such an app that will enable me to have soo many posts with no efforts at all?? And then my intelligence would give way to self-realization.. That, "Nahi, kabhi nahi banayenge aisi app. Pehle hi kam jhelti hai kya duniya mujhe, ki aur itne posts kar saku koi chahega??!! :O " Mean world..! >(

And... All of a sudden I feel so side-tracked.. Was I even there on the tract?? 'Cause I have absolutely no idea why am I writing this post..?

- Is it a come-back?? (Oh, Don't worry people, it can't be.. I do think a lot about the well-being of this world, so I'm gonna spare it from this torture.. :))

-Is it for me to get bored of my own blabbering and fall asleep?? (O_o Well, this is some food for thought!) But, even this ain't working.. 'cause I'm still raring to go, wide awake O_O  ..
No wonder if you're sleepy..! You sustained it soo far?? Gosh! People these days, i tell you, have bumper leisure time..
Me, a Retired Blogger, who won't sleep and write such posts; and You, Keen Audience, who would diligently entertain such posts..! :)

M glad to have such "velle" onlookers..! :)
You inspire me to write moree...! :p
Such a refreshing start for the day..! :D

Adios people..!
Time to wake up..! :)

It's All About Priorities..

'Cause some individuals are sooo Heartless that they dun realize how Important they are for some other people..

Or perhaps, a more likely cause would be, how they DO realize that they are being valued so much yet they clearly lack those sentiments of warmth & generosity.. Maybe these terms are far more sizable for the infinitesimal folks around me.. What indeed is wanting is a sense of Concern, Empathy, Love and so much more..

Is it that difficult to have these basic instincts towards your amigos??

It ain't something I've felt today.. X number of incidents.. With different people ('cause I'm blind to not able to recognize freaks & get attached to 'em again & again) or the same lucky individuals (whom I keep giving another chances for the sake of those idiotic attachments).

The sequel of all of 'em leading to an empty and futile battalion of thoughts, theories and judgements..

It's all a vicious circle.. You are (or maybe Just "I am"!) doomed to get trapped in it..

One after the other these clashes teach me something overly fresh yet not long for this world.. That I've got to live as a free bird, 'cause that's how I'm destined to be.. With "No Strings Attached".. But I bet you, 'Destiny loves fooling around'.. Or rather, more convincingly, 'My Destiny is so well-equipped with Catastrophes that not even serendipity has a chance'..

And I'm NOT sorry if you can't make out anything outta this entire sardonic post.. 'cause I give a damn to what people wanna make out of my words, actions, or silence.. As however Unambiguous I've been so far, no-one understood (or even tried to do so!) how I feel..

Just wanna abridge it all by saying that, 

"If you can't see how I treasure my pals(maybe you're one of 'em), you don't qualify to see me.."

And that 'might be' (mind it!) my bad.. But call me all those crummy names (stubborn, attitude, rude or wateva) now..

I do NOt VaLue U AnyMore (all of 'em who are on my mind right now, making it DiSGusTiNg, just STAY AWAY..!!)

BAck With A Smack!??! :/

Hola Guys..

Back to blogging after 9 months 14 days and wateva hours minutes seconds.. who cares.!!

First of all, I'd like to THANK my FANS and FOLLOWERS for their concern as mails and comments that where have I disappeared for not having shown up on my blog since ETERNITY!! 

[A lot of exaggeration you may say, but perhaps I've become a greenhorn in respect to blogging, as all this while away from blog, I'd been scrawling and formulating either typical MAGAZINE ARTICLES or ANSWERS IN MBBS EXAMINATIONS.

So, pardon me for my gibberish writing as of now.. Will strive the best of my capabilities to bring out the BesT oF mE..!! =) ] 

There has been a lot going around in life now.. The details of which you may come across in the subsequent posts..

1 year from now, in the past, my life was all slothful with long insomniac nights and loadsa mental clouding which towed me to kick off with blogging, which though killed a lot of time, but I always looked up to it as a means to cheer me up..

But now, despite all the mental stuff I may have, and all my failed attempts to cheer up myself, I have become too indolent to write up a lil something for my blog..

But as you may say, its time again, When HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.. 

"I Vow to Thy Almighty, that Nevermore shall I Renounce this Praxis of BLOGGING until Death Do Us Part."

Oodles to Unfold.. But I cannot resist having a post published right away for now..

So lemme get it started..

M Blogging Again People..

And I'm as excited about it, as I was in the yester-year

(The One Where- It All Began..!!)

Do Come Back.. For I Can Assure You, the next post is gonna be Soon..

Take Care till then..

Have a Snugly Winter..

Toodle-oo..!!

My chemistry with kids

My article.. Dunno if it met the purpose for which it was meant or not..!! 

But it atleast deserves a spot in my own blog..

So here it is..

My chemistry with kids..

As I grew up I always had 1 thing undeniably pinned to my mental faculties that although I do have a soft spot for kids But I'll always fancy 'em at a distance.. Not that I dun wish to get close to 'em.. But 'cause, come what may, they being kids will never be in a state to relent their tag of "HANDLE WITH CARE" & for someone so fragile as me, when its unimaginable for me to retain myself as a single entity, it'd be far too much to gamble with the lives of those tiny tots coz 1stly I fear wrecking 'em with my instability, and 2ndly I can't guarantee keeping my irritable psyche cool if by the slightest chance i happen to get drenched in their pees & poops..!! :|

Even then I do try to broadcast my affection by intensifying my ability to go all "cuddly & warm" atleast with my cute, candied & adorable nieces & nephews.. And at times I do amuse the bystanders instead of being berated..

Now as I venture into the terrain of Pediatrics, I've figured out that these innocent little angels are actually freakish..!!

They have these paranormal powers of seizing all your attention & once you get engrossed in them completely they do all sorts of bizarre acts, understanding which is probably beyond the realm of common folks like me.

Even with those unheard-of & rare ailments that they endure, they seem to amend the aura of a fuzzy hospital ward into a world so animate & peppy. For that instant my mind sneaks away from the worldly tractions & I so much wish to mess around with those lil creatures unrestrained. But for them, seeing any1 with "white coats" is certain to haul up fear which reflects pretty well on their faces & instinctively makes me canny & considerate regarding their affliction.

I remember talking to a baby girl of 5 few days back in the ward when she was in a complete playful tenor, but on scrutinizing me, she actually 'mocked crying!' At first I couldn't decipher her mockery but it was a minute later that I figured it out, when she gave that huge smile on reaching her mothers clinch & her mother told that she does it just to get to her safest site.. "The Mom's Arms..!!" Gosh..!! These kids can sense fear.. But even then tend to put anything & everything in their mouth. And somehow end up landing into these hospital beds.. Seeing them so severely ill is extremely shattering. =(

Furthermore after such episodes in the Paeds. dept. I'm inclined to alter all my stubborn views about kids.. And who knows, maybe after a little nudge I might happen to unfold a fine link with 'em..!! :)

-Vanshika Gupta

[Title courtesy again to Nishant Jain]

{And previous post mein, the same was for the new title of my blog- " 'Cause its my lyf.."}

Memoirs: Endeavoring Bike Riding..

Huh.. Its 1 week now that m back from home.. Nd need not mention that i miss being home.. But thrz something, m missing more than that this tym..

Any guesses??

.

.

.

Well, batana toh mujhe hi h.. So lets get going..
This tym @ home I tried something way out for myself.. Strived at BikE RiDinG.. =D
Hold on.. M purely apathetic to imbibe any critcism on this.. 'Cause Its My Lyf..!! So better keep ur gut feelings all to urself and get back to the heart of the matter.. 
So as this slothful weekend passed on, I apprehended how much I miss those few days, of my bike riding sessions with Kanha (my younger bro.) at home.. It used to strike 10 at nite & I used to be all over Kanha, not allowing him to breath a single second inside the house & drag him out to tutor me to ride a bike.. 
Though I had fantasized of riding a Pulsar or Karizma from the very beginning, I had to take up Papa's ancient, bumpy "Zeus"..!! Ofcourse it wasn't by choice.. My elder bro isn't that insane to hand over his esteemed bike's keys to an amateur.. that too me..!! (coz nobody trusts me on driving.. :-< dunno y??)
But wateva bike it be.. The point is.. That I did learn how to ride it.. In theory I knew it beforehand.. But in practice I pulled off quite well.. Atleast for Kanha's surprise, I drove finer than he had reckoned me to.. =>
Wat else wud i need then.. He didnt impede any of my further sessions.. And took me along gladly (atleast I feel so!) & he toh undeniably is Reckless.. But instructed me excellently yaar.. And it definitely is haunting for me.. I enjoyed it sooo much.. Nd I miss riding sooo much..!! =|
It has added another reminiscence to my being.
Maybe I owe him a My-Family-Sized Thanks for supporting me tab jab every1 else was looking at me with "Ye toh pagal hi hai" wali eyes.. But bhai hai yaar.. Itna toh banta hai naa..!! :p
And now for those who are wondering y the hell did I need to learn bike riding, well there are Langar me reasons for it.. But i cant let u knw 'em all.. Umm.. U guys can take the most reasonable one.. being.. 
- Kabhi emergency me if I dun hav an alternative to riding a bike, I shud be able to..=) 
(this 1 came to my mind wen all mine other reasons failed to convince ppl 4 me to learn it :p)
- I started with it on the 15th of feb. coz.. 14th feb koi mila nahi naa bike me baitha k ghumane k liye.. So, khud hi chalana seekh li..!! :p
- And coz I find it Thrilling.. Adventurous.. Fun.. And mainly Inexpensive (compared to the other thrilling things of my sort) I had ALWAYS wanted to learn it.. (umm.. maybe not always.. Ever Since I've read "NEW MOON"..!!) =>
* Gosh! These Reasons.. M spilling out everything I guess.. Confessions!! (for those who r gonna be huge hurdles in my future encounters with a bike..!! plzz dun hav ne hassles with it..)
And before I reveal any more of the concealed stuff of my senses, I'd better take leave..

With hopes to confront such forth-mentioned emergencies soon..

Which doesn't at all seem so rare..

'Cause Its My Lyf..!!

[TITLE COURTESY- Nishant Jain] 

Bye..

G'nyt